


Untitled

by wonderfulmax90



Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M, New Author
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-06 06:56:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12206142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderfulmax90/pseuds/wonderfulmax90
Summary: Is the man of my dreams waiting for me? How long do I have to wait for that man to come into my life? How long do I have to wait until I find that man? Is he waiting out there for me? Is he single at the moment or is he in love with someone else? Does he look up at the moon and wish for me like I wish for him? Does he not know that we are maybe meant to be? Does he live in another country? Does he follow me on social media and pine for me? Does his heart call out for me like mine does for him? Have I met this man yet? Have we passed on the streets? Have we already met and I dismissed him because I thought he was straight? Does he have any siblings or talents? Is he happy right now or is he depressed? Is he extroverted and introverted? Is he an ambivert? Does he like photography or does he like any rock music? Does he, more importantly, look intimidating and act like a teddy bear with me?





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [padalelli](https://archiveofourown.org/users/padalelli/gifts).



Dear future soulmate,  
I already love you and you’re not even in my life. I wonder sometimes if you’re even on this earth yet, as weird as that sounds. Maybe you’ve already died, a wonderful human being trapped in the past. I am very anxious to meet you, my love. Maybe you don’t like being called ‘my love’ but I call you my love because it feels like a perfect kind of nickname for you. You’re like this wonderful human being, though I don’t know how I know that. I love you so much and I need you next to me. I feel like you’re lurking around in this city somewhere. It feels like you are so close to me.   
I don’t know what I love about the idea of a soulmate. Maybe it’s the idea that someone out there loves me so much. I love that there is someone out there, someone’s heart, is calling for me. Not everyone has a soulmate though, romantically or sexually. Some have platonic soulmates or none at all. But I feel like I have a romantic soulmate out there. Someone I hope to give this letter to one day. With my arm around them as I take on dates and love forever and ever. Though, again, I am not sure about the person out there exists.   
I have all these questions to this higher power above and not just you. Like, is the man of my dreams waiting for me? How long do I have to wait for that man to come into my life? How long do I have to wait until I find that man? Is he waiting out there for me? Is he single at the moment or is he in love with someone else? Does he look up at the moon and wish for me like I wish for him? Does he not know that we are maybe meant to be? Does he live in another country? Does he follow me on social media and pine for me? Does his heart call out for me like mine does for him? Have I met this man yet? Have we passed on the streets? Have we already met and I dismissed him because I thought he was straight? Does he have any siblings or talents? Is he happy right now or is he depressed? Is he extroverted and introverted? Is he an ambivert? Does he like photography or does he like any rock music? Does he, more importantly, look intimidating and act like a teddy bear with me?   
I don’t know who or what this person is but I hope that you are doing okay. That you are doing okay with your life. But how would I know that? I’m just another random human being that you may or may not meet in your lifetime. A soulmate is just a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner. So maybe I just met you and you’re just a close friend. Which is totally fine, a close friend is better than nothing at all in my eyes. But I do want a romantic partner, someone to share the rest of my life with. A person I can have the most sappy romance with. The one that they show in The Notebook or any other rom-com that has been shown on theatrical screens.   
There will be so many questions that will come to my mind when you walk into my life. Are you really gay or are you just lying to me? Are you a hopeless romantic like me? Do you want to have kids? If you do, do you want a surrogate or will you want to adopt? Do you just want to be friends or something more? Am I too average sized for you? Am I too short? Am I too hyperactive? Am I too clingy for you? Am I way too needy? Or am I just right for you? The perfect combination of traits that ends up in the man you have always dreamed about? Am I your dream guy? The man who fills your dreams at night? An untouchable figment of your imagination? I am here to tell you that I’m real. Whether or not you are real remains the question to be answered.   
I just recently discovered that I was gay, my love. This feeling of attraction towards men is all new to me. I don’t know how you’ll react to being my first ever boyfriend. Actually, you’d be my first ever relationship. No one has ever wanted a hairy man like me. I’m Italian, what can I do about how much hair I have? It’s genetics, my love. My grandfather was hairy, my dad is hairy. All men in my family are hairy. Though I believe that I am the least hairy man of the bunch. I tend to be pretty well-groomed though. Except for when I go on a gaming binge where chip crumbs and eat all the ice cream in the fridge.   
I know I already told you I love you and it’s true. I don’t know how I could love someone so much when I don’t even know who you are. It’s just a strange concept to me. How you, one person, could be fated-or whatever you want to call it-to be connected to me forever. It’s really nice to know though, that I’m not alone in this universe. That there is someone destined to be mine forever. I love you so much.   
From your soulmate,  
Vincenzo Augustus Walters  
~  
“Do you think you could just please go one day without pissing me off?” I threw the letter into the top drawer of my desk and headed to the top of the stairs. Here, the letter would be safe from the prying eyes of my mother. At least I hoped to God that it would.   
My mom was a religious freak or at least that's what she marketed herself as. But she still tended to read from the Bible and quote, more often than not incorrectly, from the holy book. She was the type of person who thought being gay was the worst possible sin on the planet. That and abortion and divorce, the hypocrite. She said she would have aborted me if she wasn’t so far along. That and she divorced my father for the little fucktoy she was probably riding the dick of right now. My mom had committed the one of the three worst sins in her eyes, two if you count the time she almost aborted me. I committed the other sin, I was gay.  
“If I am in my room not making any noticeable noise, I don’t think I could piss you off today or any time that I am not making noise?” I called down to my mom, who was probably on her ninth or tenth beer at this point in the day.   
“That’s the point, I don’t hear you making any sort of noise up there. You’re a seventeen year old boy, shouldn’t you be fucking some cheerleader girl?”  
“First off, I’m out of high school and I’m eighteen. Secondly, it would be a little creepy if I began dating a cheerleader.” I spread my legs a bit and leaned forward. Not the best projection stance, but it worked.   
“Just stop pissing me off okay, go find a fucking girl or get out of the fucking house.” I groaned and went into my room, throwing on a pair of jeans and an oversized sweater. I put on a pair of combat boots and grabbed my laptop. I jotted down the steps and before I left the house I grabbed my keys off the hook near the front door.   
The sunlight hit my face and I looked up at the sky lightly. The warm rays hit my face and I grinned. I pulled the sweater down over my hands and balled them into fists. I carried my laptop underneath my armpit and walked briskly to the cafe. It was only a few blocks away from my house. But it was far enough from my mom and her boyfriend, whom she seemed to fuck almost every night and very loudly for that matter. I couldn’t see her now that I was out of the house. I couldn’t hear her either, which was the good part. I hated hearing her have sex with that young little shit who wanted to call himself my father.   
My phone buzzed in my pocket, jolting me out of my thoughts. I checked the caller ID, my mom. My heart filled with dread. She never called me on my phone. She always called other people, but not me. I took a deep breath as the phone vibrated in my hand. Accept or decline? Accept and get yelled at now or decline and get yelled at later. I took another deep breath and sighed lightly. I accepted and lifted the phone to my ear.  
“What is this letter you wrote? Why are you talking about a man?” A slow southern drawl mixed with an angry Italian accent dripped from each word.   
“What letter?” A heat came to my cheeks as I lied straight to her face. I knew exactly what letter she was talking about.  
“Oh, you know exactly what letter I’m talking about. The one talking about your soulmate being a fucking man.” Her accents became even thicker as she spoke.   
“I have no idea what you are talking about Karen.” I shook my head and stood up straight, my face stone cold once I regained my composure.   
“Of course you do, Vincenzo. You know exactly what I’m talking about.” I heard the sound of paper being ripped up in her hands.   
I sighed, “Of course I know what you’re talking about mom. But I wasn’t talking about a man. I was talking in general.”  
“Are you one of them gays? Them homosexuals? Those corrupt liberals?” My mom interrogated over the phone.  
I swallowed my pride for a second. I wasn’t ready to move out of her house yet. I didn’t have enough money yet. No school would take me due to me applying so late. Though a few did, but none of them were good schools. I was not even packed all the way. I had a few boxes and bags packed. I was at least more than ninety percent of the way done. I just had a few more boxes. But I had no place to go though. No place to stay if I told her that I was gay. I would be essentially homeless if I told her that I was gay.  
“No momma. No, I am not a gay. You raised me to be a good Christian boy. That letter was from a friend, that’s it momma.”  
“I know your handwriting when I see it, Vincenzo Augustus Walters. That was your handwriting. I know you’re lying to me. Now tell me the goddamn truth. Are you or are you not gay?” My mom yelled through the phone.  
“Yes momma, I am gay.” I looked down, ashamed at myself for letting the words slip out of my mouth.   
“Your stuff will be on the porch when you come home. I hope to god I never, ever see my useless excuse for a son ever again.” Her voice dripped with hate as the line went dead on her end, her minutes must have run out.   
My hand slowly moved to my side, the dial tone running. I walked slowly to the cafe in a zombie-like state. I didn’t care if I ran into people. I just wanted to get to a place where I felt safe. A whole range of emotions ran through me. My heart beat loudly in my chest. I clutched a hand to my heart. My head pounded so hard that I feel like it was going to burst open. The other hand flew to my temple. My feet felt like cinder blocks. They dragged on the ground as I walked. My eyes were failing me for the first time in my life. I was seeing in double vision.   
“Hello sir, would you like some hot chocolate? There’s a special today on it. It’s two fifty instead of three.” The woman’s voice was far away, like I was under water. I nodded slightly and pulled some crumbled one dollar bills out of my pocket. I tossed them onto the counter and went to go find a seat.   
I struggled into my seat and folded my hands in front of me. They were pale and veiny as I wasn’t healthy enough to sustain my normal tanned skin tone. I pulled seat closer to the table, crushing my stomach with the edge of the table. The rest of me felt numb to the point of pain. My stomach twisted and turned like it was sick. There was nothing in my stomach, my mother refused to feed me. She only had enough food to feed her and her fucktoy boyfriend. I felt sick to my stomach and excited all at the same time.   
I was free of my wretched mother. The woman who had abused me since conception. The woman who gave birth to me still high on weed. The woman who had beat me to the point of death when I refused to clean up a mess she had made. The same woman who had refused to feed me on a daily basis. She forced me to steal food from my school. But since I was out of school, I was forced to steal from her wallet when money came around. If nothing came of that, I stole from the local convenience store. I was able to live the life I wanted to live. To be gay and proud of it. To not have to hide the pride flags in my closet or throw them away when I came back from pride. To meet a man I loved with my whole heart. To not have to go to prom with a female friend of mine and meet my date, a man who was pretty abusive as well, there. I was finally able to live my own life as a gay man.   
I don’t know why my mom was so damn religious. She was always just a devout Christian to me. We spent every Sunday at church and some weeks we would go to the Wednesday mass. She had enrolled me in a private Catholic school as early as possible to put the good Lord’s word into me. As like most devout Christians of her age, she thought that homosexuals like me were wrong. That we were unnatural and cruel beings. She wanted us all to go to hell. My mom also thought that transgender and nonbinary people were unnatural. She said that there was only male and female. That anyone who wanted to go against God’s natural order of things was going to go to hell.   
On the other hand, I was pretty scared of the future. Of being free from her grip for once in my life. What if I wasn’t able to find a place? What would I do then? I couldn’t go back home to my mom. She would probably call the cops for trespassing. I didn’t have a dad to go to. At least, that’s what my mom always told me. That he left home after my mom got pregnant with me and never came back. What if I wasn’t able to get a job? I would have no way to pay for a U-Haul long term. I did own a gutted school bus that I spent the summer redecorating. But that wouldn’t hold all of my shit. I didn’t have much, but it was more than what a school bus could hold. I could thin the boxes out if I had a bit more time. But I didn’t, I was already kicked out.   
I really had nowhere to go, which was concerning. I didn’t want to spend my nights on the streets. I wanted a warm place to stay. That’s the only thing I could count on my mom for. A warm place to stay at when nights get cold. Or a cool place to stay when the nights got to warm. But that was it, that was all I was grateful for. She was only good for a place to come home to at night. But, I wish I had a place to stay tonight. A place to stay and rest my head. Somewhere to lay down when I got tired. This will be the first time I wouldn’t have a bed to go home at night.  
“Hey, umm...are you the one who ordered the hot chocolate. You didn’t give a name with the order and you’re the only one sitting here without an empty cup or an order?” I looked up and locked eyes with the most gorgeous pair of chocolate brown ad ever seen.  
I looked up and blushed a hot red. I snapped out of my haze and smiled lightly. The man held a styrofoam cup of steaming liquid in his tanned hands. Though, I’m sure he got a lot darker when he went outside on these hot summer days. He had long, thin dark brown almost black hair that was tied behind his head in a low hanging bun. His right arm was covered in colorful tattoos. His nose looked like it had been broken at least once. The man in front of me was thin, but a bit muscular. A hint of facial hair scattered across his face. A smile lined his lips as he placed the cup in front of me. He wore an apron over a plain black tee and a pair of jeans with a few not-for-fashion holes in them.   
“Yeah,” A blush creeped to my cheeks. “I guess that would be mine. I’m sorry, I was in a little bit of a haze when I walked in here.”  
“You did give Lilly over there quite a scare. She thought the zombie apocalypse had started,” The man chuckled and blushed lightly as he sat down across from me. “What’s your name then? Since we didn’t seem to catch it the first time.”   
“The name is Vincenzo Augustus Walters, if it pleases you and if we’re on the topic of exchanging names, what is yours?”  
“The name is Ivan James Sanders, if it pleases you, and you have caught my eye.” He mocked my pleasant tone of voice and smiled lightly.   
“Now that we have introduced ourselves, and you’ve done flattering yourself, shouldn’t you get back to work?” I asked politely as I wrapped my hands around the warm cup.  
“Lucky for you, I am on my break as of right now and you are the lucky man who has caught the attention of the most attractive man in the room.”  
“Oh? So we’re not done flattering ourselves, now have we?” Ivan leaned forward and smiled at me.  
“Nope, we haven’t stopped but I would like to start flattering you. If it pleases you, of course. I wouldn’t do anything that you wouldn’t like. Or maybe you’re not attracted to men?”   
“Oh no, I am definitely attracted to men. I am really, really gay. Like super gay. I am the king of gays,” I rambled nervously as my hands trembled all the same. Ivan giggled and tilted his head back as it turned into full on laughter. I joined in with him and laughed as well.   
“I don’t think I need any more convincing. I’m pretty sure I know you’re gay now.” Ivan flashed me a smile, a gap between his front teeth showing.   
“I’m sorry, I’m not really good at these kinds of things. I’ve only had one boyfriend before and he never really came onto me much. He more of forced me to be with him. There was nothing romantic going on though.”   
“Well then, I may have to make up for that. Or are you still dating that asshole who doesn’t know how to treat a man?”   
“Nope, we broke up after graduation. He moved on to some freshman honeybunny who doesn’t know his reputation.”  
“Ew,” Ivan scrunched up his nose and shook his head as he chuckled a bit. “That sounds disgusting.”  
“It kind of is. He’s a disgusting man though.” I scrunched up my nose all the same and giggled a bit.   
“So, what’s our deal? You look like you’ve had a rough few hours, my man.” I nodded lightly and took a sip of my drink.   
“Yeah, my mom kicked me out today after she found a letter to my future soulmate. I guess it was warranted. All of that good Christian teaching went to waste.”   
“You were born this way, Vincenzo. Nothing would ever change that. Not teachings or any environment you grew up in, okay?”  
“I guess I was, but it still feels so wrong. I just admitted it to myself recently. Maybe a few months ago. Not even a year ago though.”   
“So you’re newly out of the closet, aren’t you? I just came out publicly about a year ago and to my family two years ago.” Ivan beamed and smiled lightly.   
“Yeah, I just wanted to be free for once. I also kind of wanted to get out of my abusive mom’s house. I didn't want to hear her fucking that piece of shit anymore.”   
“Oh? What did she used to do to you? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But it’d be nice to know.”  
“She was emotionally abusive to me mostly. More so with her words, you know? Calling me names and such. Making me feel stupid and like I’m a piece of shit. That and she would fuck her little fuck toy every night she could. It was pretty terrifying. No parent should be proud of the noise they make when they fuck someone. They should be fucking mortified. When I came out to her today, she kind of kicked me out.”  
“That’s not any way to treat a child. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. You can stay with me if you want. At least for the night. I have a spare bedroom.”   
“I need to get all of my stuff off of the porch tonight though and I have a huge school bus, that’s my only mode of transportation.” Ivan’s jaw dropped and his eyes went wide.  
“No way, an actual school bus? Dude, that is so fucking cool,” Ivan reached around and slapped my arm lightly. “Maybe I can take her for a spin one day as a payment for you crashing at my house?”  
“I’m pretty sure you need a special license to drive a school bus.” I giggled and Ivan nodded slightly as he smiled at me.   
“Ivan! Get your ass back in the kitchen!” A raspy, but hearty voice yelled from the general direction of the kitchen.   
“Okay, I got to go for now but I’ll stop by your house at the end of my shift. Just give me your address and I’ll make sure I head there after work.” I wrote my address down on a napkin and handed it to him.  
~  
I loaded the last few boxes into the back of the school bus. I smiled and looked over the work I had done. My mom had packed some of the boxes quite nice. She was kind of a neat freak as well. She was always cleaning the house. But she couldn’t clean the cum off her fucking sheets. And I was the one who had to try and clean off the sheets. She couldn’t be bothered with laundry. My job, of course because I was a worthless human being. Laundry was for the lowest of the low to her.   
“Oh, I guess we got here a little too late to help you pack up the bus. I was so looking forward to showing my brother the gutted bus.” Ivan’s voice whined from behind me as I pushed the last box into the vehicle.   
I turned and faced Ivan and the man next to him. He was larger than his brother in terms of muscle and height, standing a few inches taller than Ivan. His biceps were about the same size as my head. His smile was soft and sparkling. Like his teeth had been perfectly whitened and had diamonds implanted into them. They were blinding to me and so was his smile, which resulted in a few wrinkles around his mouth and some around his eyes. He sported the same brown eyes as his brother. But he had a few bags underneath them, like he hadn’t been to sleep in a few days. His hair was lazily braided back and a few strands had popped loose. His skin tone was the same as his brother’s as well. The clothes he wore were very loose fitting, a pair of grey sweatpants and a large navy hoodie.   
“Hey, I’m Charles James Sanders. Ivan is my older brother by two years. Though that’s pretty inconsequential now that I graduated high school.” Charles smiled and extended a hand for me to shake. I took his hand and squeezed it lightly.   
“Yeah, I just graduated too. Where did you go to school? I never saw you in the hallways and I don’t think I would miss a face like that.”   
“I went to the arts school downtown for dancing...I was a dance major there. Kind of embarrassing to admit to a person I just met.” Charles rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet.   
His muscular build suddenly made sense to me now that I knew that little tid bit of information about him, “Oh. That makes a ton of sense. But it’s not embarrassing at all.”   
“Sorry to break up this conversation but I’d like to talk to Vincenzo alone for a bit.” My mom’s boyfriend’s booming voice came from behind me and I whipped around to look at the man who sat on his ass all day doing nothing.   
Charles and Ivan backed away and headed to the edge of the driveway. In my soon to be step-father’s hands was a yellowed pierce of paper. He tapped it against his large hand. I walked up to him and tried not to recoil at the smell of vomit on him. I gagged lightly and tried not to actually throw up. There was a large stain on his shirt. It was either from my mom squirting (trust me, I saw her do it once on accident), beer or his own vomit. Maybe even a bit of nonexistent sweat was mixed in there since he was such a freeloader.  
“This is uh, this is from your dad. I found it while I was digging through the attic. I don’t think I was supposed to be up there but your mom was complaining about a leak coming from up there or something. Anyways, this says it’s to his son and I thought you might want to read it since I know that all you’ve known is me. I know I never was your real dad and that you resent me for that. But I hope that this can mend us a little bit.”  
“I don’t think anything can mend us after the squirting incident. Though I don’t blame you entirely for that. I blame my sex addict mom for at least sixty percent of that situation.” He chuckled a bit like Santa Claus and his large belly moved lightly as he placed a hand on my shoulder to steady himself.   
He placed the letter in my hands and I smiled lightly. This was the first physical evidence of my father. The man was always just a figure of my imagination. A place to wonder when my mind was lost for dreams. A person to think about when I was lonely. The letter shook in my hands as I vibrated anxiously. I turned to the man in my life. He smiled lightly and nodded. I looked back at the man who had somehow raised me. Somehow made me the man I was today. For better or for worse he made me who I was. I opened the letter with shaky hands and flipped lightly through the pages.   
My dearest son,  
I don’t know where you are right now or if you are in my life or if I am in your life. But I already love you so much. I haven’t seen you yet, your mom won’t let me see you in the hospital. I love you, my little Vin-Bear. I love you so much and I don’t think I can express how much I love you. You’re my little baby boy, the only person in this world who I know is my flesh and blood. You’re my only son and I love you so much. You are the most amazing person I know and I haven’t seen you yet. I bet you’re going to be a wonderful young man. I hope you don’t end up like me one day. Though, I’m not sure when you’re going to get this. So I won’t reveal what I do to you just yet.   
I hope you know that I love you so much and I keep telling you that because I believe that. I really love you so much and I hope that one day I get to see you. Though I know your mom is with a really good man. He may not look like much but I know he is a really good man. He’s a friend of my mine and I know that he will take care of you. He’s going to make sure you are at least taken care of. He’s a bit of a bum and he’s a bit like Santa Claus when you get to know him. I mean, if you ever get to know him. I know he won’t leave but I know that if you’re everything like me you won’t take to him. I don’t judge you though, he’s a special type of person.   
I know I didn’t take to him the first time I met him. He’s a little overbearing and a bit clingy. He’s a nice, trust me, I’m your dad. I helped you come into this world and I’m pretty protective of the son I helped create. I love you more than my own life. You’re the best person I know. Besides your mom, of course. Am I allowed to say that your mom is an asshole? Because she is. She’s a real asshole and you’ll learn that soon enough. She’s going to fuck that man day in and day out. Most days she won’t fucking stop moaning. Which is probably so traumatizing to you and I am sorry. Most of the time I refused to help her out. I guess I hated having that much sex and she kind of broke up with me after I stopped giving her by dick.   
I hope to meet you one day my son. That your mom will let me meet you. I wonder if you look like me. I wonder if you’ll love me so much. I wonder if you’ll hate me and I’d be okay with that. I love you so much, sorry for that again. I wonder if you’ll ever meet me on the street. If you’ll know me on sight. If you’ll keep walking away and not notice. I wonder if you’ll be able to hear my voice and know me. I wonder if anything will happen. Maybe we won’t ever meet in real life. That I’ll die without knowing you which is okay. I still love you and I will continue to love you. I hate to think that I’ll die without knowing you.   
I love you more than what I can write down. You’re my fucking son, Vincenzo Augustus Walters. You know, you get your name from me. I get my name from my father and he gets his name from his father. I hope you will continue the line with mine and your names. I loved you so much and I love the names as well. Your mom let me name you which is nice. If I can’t see you, I will know you have my name. I love your names because it’s great and I love them alot. They’re wonderful names to me. They carry a lot of weight as well. They’re my connection to you and your connection to me. Even if I don’t ever meet you in real life. I hope you feel that connection to me when you say your name.  
I must be rambling on and on. This must be pretty boring to read as well. I just want to get as much out as possible because I love you. I love you so much more than my own life. It pains me to leave you. I want to know that I wouldn’t want to leave you with your mom. She is a terrible parent compared to me. I feel like I will hate myself for leaving you. I already hate myself for leaving you. It’s not my choice to leave you. Your mom is keeping you from me.   
I may not be the best man in the world. I have a lot of flaws and so do man other humans. I’m a man and one day you will be too. We tend to be hardheaded, not just men in general, but the Walters men as a hole. We are probably the most stubborn of the bunch and I’m sorry that I probably passed that trait down to you. Your mom was also pretty stubborn as well. I guess that’s why we never worked out. But I love you son. If you ever receive this, I hope you know that I hope to see you one day.   
Your loving father,  
Vincenzo Augustus Walters III  
“Thanks for giving this to me, but I don’t know why you would give this to me now. You have never cared about me before. Why do you want to care about me now?” I put the letter back into the envelope and set it down.   
“I have always cared about you, you just never wanted to give me the chance to get to know you.”  
“Why would I give you the time of day? You were a replacement for my dad. Some second rate guy my mom choice and my dad approved of.”  
“I never meant to be a replacement for your dad. I’m sorry if it seemed to be like that but I never meant for that to happen.” He hung his head and placed it in his hands.   
“Well, I have to go now. Mom won’t want me hanging out any longer than I have to. She’s probably pulling her hair out right now.” I stood and turned away. A large hand wrapped around my wrist, stopping me. I turned back and looked at the man.  
“Please,” There were tears in his eyes and his voice was breaking. “Find your father for me. Make a relationship with him and love him like you could ever love me. Love him furiously and have a relationship with him like you never could with me.”


	2. Chapter Two

I unpacked the rest of the boxes and looked around the attic. It was a little dusty from being out of use for awhile. There was a closet that looked pretty sketchy, so I used whatever duct tape I could find to close the door shut. There was a skylight and a few windows. There was enough natural light that the attic didn’t warrant an artificial light source. I had opened them up to let some of the dust and stuffiness out. My bed was the only thing that was set up. My clothes were strewn across the floor. I looked about and sighed, placing my hands on my hips.   
There was a lot that needed to be done once I unpacked most of my shit. A fresh coat of paint would do the room some good. There was a lot of dust everywhere. I would have to sweep a bit. Maybe fix the door that lead to my room. Fix a hole in the ceiling, though it was small. It could wait for me to fix it. There were a few holes that could also wait for me to patch up. I could wait to do a lot but I needed to build a few things. I had a bookshelf and a dresser that needed my attention.   
“Hey, Vincenzo? Do you want any dinner? Charles ordered a pizza and he thought that it’d be nice to share.” Ivan called up and I smiled, rushing down the stairs.  
“I never said that I wanted to share my fucking pizza dude. I ordered it with my money.” Charles pulled the pizza towards his body.  
“Well, I think it would be nice and I am your older brother so you need to listen to me because I have authority. That’s what mom said and that’s the condition for living in my house so share the pizza with our new roommate.”   
Charles gave up and set the pizza on the table. I sat down at the table as Ivan brought over a few plates. Charles moved over to the fridge and reached in. He shuffled a few things around before finding what he needed. Ivan sat down and smiled lightly at me. Charles brought over some parmesan cheese and set it on the table. I pulled out a piece of pizza and bit into it. Ivan giggled as a bit of sauce dripped onto my shirt. Charles glared at his brother as I looked over at the man whom I met in the cafe.   
“So, you seem like a pretty nice guy. At least one that Ivan trusted enough to bring into the house after meeting him.” Charles placed his elbows on the table and chewed on the pierce he had taken from the box.   
“I guess I’m a good enough guy for the circumstances in which I grew up in.” I shrugged and bit into my piece.   
“Would you be interested in coming to a dance class tomorrow with me? So I can get to know my new roommate?” Charles smiled and wiggled his eyebrows a bit.   
“I mean, I guess so. I wouldn’t mind going but I’m a bit of an introverted and not very good at dancing.”  
“It’s a beginners class, it’s good for me to go back to the basics and refresh myself from time to time.” Charles smiled at me as I looked at my pizza.  
“Let the poor man live his life and settle in a bit, okay? He’s had a pretty rough day and is probably still in a bit of pain.” Ivan interjected and smiled a bit at me.   
“Yeah, settling in would be a lot nicer than a dancing class.” Charles leaned back into his chair, defeated and set down his piece angrily.   
Charles finished his dinner first and left the table. Ivan and I kept up polite conversation for awhile before Ivan got full. He stayed with me for a few moments before he headed to his room. I finished up my dinner and headed back up to my room. I left only after I cleaned up the mess both Ivan and Charles left. I headed to clean up a few of my items. I built my dresser, one Charles had bought but never used. I put all of my clothes and hung up a few pieces of art.   
“It’s starting to look like a home up here.” I turned and smiled at Ivan as he stood at the top of the stairs.   
“I mean, I didn't do much to the place. I just hung up a few pieces of art...my art in fact. Photos I took in and out of school. I don’t know how I’ll feel in a few days. My art tends to annoy me after a few days.”   
“Wait...you took those? I thought a real professional took them.” Ivan walked up to my photos and inspected them lightly.   
“Yeah, I took those. Most of them are what I like to call ‘one shot wonders’ where I put up my camera and snapped a perfect picture. As perfect as I’d like them to be. Perfectly imperfect photo of what the world is.”   
“That’s wonderful, what’s the portrait of this man called? It’s eerie and haunting and beautiful all at the same time.”   
“It’s untitled. I never found a name for it but I thought about naming it untitled. Just that, without a title. Not titled at all.” I smiled and walked up to the piece.  
“Yeah, Untitled is a great name for this. Though the man in the photo kind of looks like you.” Ivan turned to me and smiled.  
“I don’t think that he looks a lot like me, but if you say so.” I smiled and Ivan took my hand in his lightly.   
“I do say so and he looks like you. A lot like you. Do you remember the name of the man?” I shook my head lightly and he looked down.   
“My father...my soon to be step-father though I don’t think he is anymore now that I was kicked out of the house and possibly disowned. He gave me a letter from my biological father. He said it was from when I was born.” I changed the subject easily and turned away from the black and white portrait of the man.   
“Well, was there anything important in said letter?” Ivan followed me to my bed and flopped back onto it.   
“My dad said that he wanted me to find him but I’m, not sure about it. I don’t know if I want to find my biological dad.” I flopped back as well and looked at the man laying next to me.   
“Why wouldn’t you want to see him or try to find him? Even if he is a total asshat you could say that you met your dad, your biological father.”   
“I don’t know that meeting him would be a good idea. He says that he’s pretty stubborn and I am stubborn as well. If that’s any indication of how alike we are I don’t want to meet him at all.” The hint of the smile on Ivan’s face fell.  
“And what’s so wrong about you that you don’t want to meet the man who helped create you and bring you to this moment?” Ivan asked, his voice becoming even raspier in it’s whisper.  
“I’m a pretty disgusting human being in general. I am not very nice at all, well I’m more honest than anything.”  
“Being honest isn’t a bad thing. It’s a neutral thing, it can be neither good nor bad. The content is what makes honesty good or bad.”  
“I also have pretty bad hygiene when it comes to shaving and body hair. So I’m guessing my dad is pretty hairy as well.”  
“These are inconsequential bad things about you. That doesn’t mean that your father will have those. What are your truly bad qualities? Do you lie? Do you cheat? Do you steal?”   
“No. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I don’t steal. But what if my dad has? I’m Italian and he could be apart of a fucking mob.”  
“Dude, being Italian doesn’t mean that your dad will be in a mob. That’s like saying if you’re Asian, you’re smart as hell.”  
“Well he could be apart of a fucking mob. I don’t fucking know anything about him. He could be a really bad person. What if I end up being like him? What if I end up being a bad man?” I asked Ivan as I looked at him.   
“But what if your dad ends up being a good man? What if he is a really nice person?” Ivan questioned as he looked at me. I sighed, defeated with his argument.   
“I just don’t know about meeting my own dad. About tracking him down. What if he doesn’t want to be found now?”   
“He might not but what if he’s waiting out there for you? He has been waiting to see his son for eighteen years.”   
“I guess he might not want to see me but I don’t want to dwell on ‘what if’s. I just want to exist with him or without him. I don’t know how I would feel if I met him.” I put my hands behind my head and relaxed.   
“Well, I hope you meet him. What’s his name by the way? I never caught it.” Ivan giggled and smiled at me.   
“His name is the same as mine, Vincenzo Augustus Walters. Only he is the third one with the name which I guess makes me the fourth one.”   
“Sounds like something you might want to carry on the name, even if you don’t get to meet your dad. Though, I don’t advise you to not go see your dad. I would hope that you would reconnect with him. But I think I know a man by the same name, only he went by Vinny. He went in and out the cafe for a few years. Though I wouldn’t think much of it.”   
“Okay, I won’t then. Why are you so animate about me tracking my dad down and finding him?” I asked as Ivan grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly.  
“My dad and I never had a good relationship. Charles and him had a good relationship though. My dad, he struggled with an eating disorder. My mom said he was just a picky eater. That he refused to eat what was on his plate because it wasn’t his favorite recipe or it wasn’t his grandmother’s cooking. He only ate a bit and I researched it just this year. It’s called Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder and it’s pretty new. I guess that’s why the doctor’s never knew how to diagnose him. So, when my mom didn’t believe that he was getting physically ill when he ate a new food. Texture, smell, anything else about a food, even how it was presented, could send him into a nauseous frenzy. Though, my mom thought he was faking. She always thought he was faking. She called him a no good lazy ass. All types of names that would just put him down. Belittled him to the point of abuse. Though, we didn’t know it was abuse until much later. He was a man and he had no right to be abused by a woman. Though, he was too proud to admit that she was hitting her behind closed doors. It made my dad depressed, no one took his illness...his disorder,” Ivan teared up lightly and turned his head away lightly, he lifted a hand wiping away his tears.   
“What happened to his disorder? What happened to him?” I asked lightly as Ivan turned his focus back to me.  
“My dad, when no one took him seriously, got even more depressed. He already had some depression from some trauma he experienced. He never was open to us about the trauma endured. Though, I’m sure he told Charles and promised not to tell me about it. But, my dad got more and more depressed. Eventually he got to the point where he couldn’t even leave his bed. No amount of coaxing from me nor Charles could get him out of bed. We didn’t know how bad he was until one day we came home to a silent house. I walked up to this scene, I was only twelve years old. He was splayed out against the bed. There was...there was blood...just everywhere. His brain was all over the wall. Blood was even on the fucking ceiling. My dad..he shot himself in the head and I was the one to find him.”   
“Did he leave any type of note or any last goodbyes?” I asked as Ivan curled into me, his head on my chest. He let out light sobs and he clenched onto my shirt.   
“He said goodbye to me that morning. Said that he loved me and that he’ll always love me. That was his only goodbye to me. He didn’t leave a note nor any goodbye to the rest of his family. Charles said dad was silent around him that morning. My mom hadn’t been speaking to him since the previous year.” Ivan let out a gut wrenching sob as he left tear stains on my shirt.   
“So you want me to find my dad because you never had a good relationship with your dad?” I asked lightly as Ivan nodded against my chest.   
“Yes, please find your dad before he dies. He deserves to know you and you deserve to know him, okay?” I nodded and pulled him close to me.   
“I will find him for you and I will find him for me. I think I need closure, even if I don’t want to admit it to myself yet.”  
“Thank you, thank you for this. Thank you for giving me...well just you can have this opportunity. I just, hope to help you reconnect with your dad.” Ivan shook his head lightly as he wiped some tears from his eyes.   
“Maybe you’ll get some closure from this as well. I don’t know how but, it just might bring you something.”   
“If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you spend today doing?” Ivan turned his head towards me as he asked the question.   
“I don’t know, maybe trying to make my mark on the world. Take more pictures and edit them a bit. Write a fanfiction or draw some art. Maybe do some creative work? What would you do?” I turned towards him and he smiled.   
“Spend time with my brother. Get to know him before I die. Give him a proper goodbye unlike my dad. Maybe go to church and spend some time praying for forgiveness.”   
“If you could ask one person a single question and they had to answer one hundred percent truthfully, who would you ask and what would you ask them?” Ivan cuddled into me and looked at me lightly.  
“I would ask my dad why he did it. Why he killed himself. Why he didn’t take his meds like he should. Why he let my mom abuse him. Why he didn’t just leave her. What would you ask?” Ivan shrugged and looked over at me.   
“Why my dad didn’t put up a fight for me. If he loved me so much than he why he didn’t but up a fight for me. He kept saying in the letter that he loved me so much. That he loved me more than anything. Then why didn’t he put up a fight for me.”   
“Maybe he was just tired of fighting for something he couldn’t have,” I nodded lightly and sighed lightly. “If you could start your life over, what would you do differently?”  
“I would make an attempt to get to know my mom’s boyfriend. See if I could have a positive father figure in my life. What would you?”  
“Make an attempt to get to know my dad as well. Get to know him so much better than what I did eight years ago. Now I can’t go back and get to know him. But now I can’t go back and I can’t get to know him. What kind of vibe do I give off?”  
“You’re the try hard and badass. You want people to like you and think of you but deep down all you need is yourself selves. You’re very outspoken and controversial. You don’t go with the flow, you dig your toes into the rocky sand and walk against the current. You’re the person in class who is always on edge, waiting for something to happen and jump in and save everyone. You thirst for adventure and never settle for less than terrifying. The feeling of security and excitement follows you, you never stay still and never stop for anyone. You make people feel as if they’re running through a forest with only a flashlight to guide them in the dark, like fear and adrenaline is their drug of choice when they’re around you. Yet you’re laid back, always calm. the quiet kid in class who has mad jokes and can roast everyone in seconds. You never try to make anything uncomfortable, but you’ll talk with anyone about anything if they bring it up. You’re an open book but your pages don’t turn themselves. You’re a feeling of sheer joy and calmness. When someone is with you the world feels simpler, like all complications faded away and color has returned for good. What’s my vibe then?” I asked simply as I looked at the man.   
“You’re sarcastic beyond belief, very reserved but outgoing. You can be naturally mean sometimes when you don’t try to be, you have trouble thinking of others feelings when it comes to certain topics. You always want what’s best for people even when that may not be something they want, but you always know the right path and never wander too far from it. You’re a feeling of desire. You’re a cool autumn night and your favorite person is sitting next to a speeding train, unafraid and ready because they are with you. You’re beautiful and unique. The kid who’s in theatre and puts everything you have into the performance. You make the dirtiest jokes and turn everything into a sexual innuendo. You always make people feel whole and happy inside, like everything is good in the world. You always seem busy, maybe come off as superficial because of your busy ways. But if it’s important enough to you, you will make time even if you have to stop the earth from turning. You love hard and you break easy, but your recovery is quick and you always bounce back. People feel like their on an island with you, watching the waves gush in and roll away. You’re secretive. very dark-humor but very sweet. You’re like a fishing line and your friends are the fish, they get stuck on you and you reel them in and they’re caught. The way you talk makes it seem like you have a dark past and chests full of secrets. You feel like the riptide in the ocean but more gentle, you care too much and you get hurt a lot because of that. People feel safe yet always on edge with you, like a storm is coming but they’re in the eye, safe from it all. You’re likable and kind. You’re kind of quiet but has a loud mind. You have a deep, you need to be loved and you can get very emotional when hurt. You absolutely hate feeling useless and are always asking to help. You make use out of everything you see and are very inventive. No matter what the problem is, you find a solution. sometimes get taken for granted, but never do the same to others. You think of the kid in class who is just like everyone else, so it seems, until people see you when no one is watching, how collected you are, how eager to help. You are lured in by kindness and give all you have. You feel like a hot and humid summer day while you and your friends dive into a cool pool of water and your worries and issues seem to slip off into the blue and disappear.” Ivan smiled as he spoke lightly.   
I traced over Ivan’s tattoos as he cuddled further into me. I smiled once more and held the man closer to me. He blinked slowly and moved closer to me. I pulled a blanket over the two of us. One I had just pulled out of the dryer only a few moments prior. There was a working washer and dryer in the closet I had closed up. But I still wasn’t taking the chance with the monsters in the closet. As silly as it sounded, monsters-even if they were only in my mind-were still prevalent somewhere.   
“Why don’t you try to sleep tonight? Up here with me so you don’t have to walk all the way downstairs.” I offered as I looked at the slight man next to me.   
“Oh, only if you want to. I don’t want to intrude on your new space. I don’t want to put my energy up here if it’s not wanted.”  
“I want you here. That’s kind of why I asked you to do this, sleep up here. I don’t like sleeping alone in new places. They give me a weird feeling no matter how homely the place looks.” I smiled and Ivan nodded.   
“Then let me strip down to something a little more comfortable.” Ivan winked and moved to stand at the foot of the bed, flinging the warm blanket off of me.   
He peeled off his shirt effortlessly. There was a slight tan on his back in the shape of a tank top. A pale scar stretched across Ivan’s toned back all the way from his left shoulder to his right hip. For as skinny as he was, he still held the shape of a Dorito. Why I saw that, I had no idea. His arms were skinnier than I had originally perceived with the added bonus of seeing his backside and how the arms stacked up. A few back bones popped out of his skin as he reached down to take off his sweatpants, which he had probably changed into before dinner or after he got home from work. I couldn’t hold back a smile as Ivan turned towards me, a light blush on his cheeks as it slowly crawled up to his ears.   
I was staring at him, bad idea. But he already embodied almost everything I had thought about when I was questioning my sexuality. I would hear some men speak and love their sleepy, grouchy, raspy voices. I loved seeing them become like kids when they were around their friends, goofing off at every chance they got no matter how shy he may have been around strangers. I loved seeing how some men got so mellow and others got hyperactive. Men with messy hair made my heart flutter. When a guy in my class would stretch his arms above his head and unintentionally show his stomach, my own stomach would flip excitedly. I would see guys try to make their partners laugh when they were sad and they had no idea what else to do. I loved hearing my male friends’ eyes light up when they talked about their passions like spots or film. How when a man was brave enough to wear heels to school, though most of the time he was doing it as a joke, he rocked them. How their hands moved and looked or the way they laughed, though belly laughs were my favorite, with their head tilted back. Or when a guy got nervous and reached behind his head to scratch or touch the nape of their neck. I would fall in love with men more when they leaned against a door or a wall with their arms crossed. I loved when they danced and wiggled their asses like nobody’s business. I loved how men so easily ended up playing with kids because they just wanted to. How some men never tired of playing on playgrounds. That, no matter how masculine they tended to be, they really cared for the people in their lives.   
I loved when a guy got excited and his voice cracked or got higher. I loved when a guy would attempt to blow a bubble with their gum and some would get stuck on their nose. I loved when they snort-laughed. I loved then I would see a guy trying to get to class before the late bell and he would take two or three steps at a time just to save a few seconds. I loved seeing short guys attempt to grab something out of their reach. They would try and try, refusing to give up trying to reach said object. I loved seeing some guys be so comfortable in their bodies that they would sometimes wear clothes that showed off their stretch marks. I loved seeing a guy smile out of nowhere and thinking that he must have thought about something that had made him happy. I remember seeing guys in the lunchroom sharing memes with each other and smiling at the simple action. I loved when I saw a guy give the person he loved a strong hug and pick them up a bit. It made me think of how much I wanted to do that with someone or have someone do that to me. I loved being hugged by a male friend and them giving me a soft and squishy hug. Boys hugging other people just gave me warm feelings inside. There were some guys who were touch advise and they would wave or throw up a peace sign instead of shaking hands or hugging. I loved seeing a guy get flustered when someone complimented them. I loved seeing them eat so hungrily that they got food all over their faces. I also loved seeing a guy blush and smile. But the best part of falling in love with men was when they were allowed to pour their feelings out to someone they trusted and loved.   
Out of all the men I observed, my favorite type of guy to be around (or let’s be honest, date) was the sleepy guy. The guy who was never seen without his trusty pair of sweatpants, the loose kind you wore to bed on those cold winter nights, with the boxers peeking out ever so slightly. The guy who always wore a tired grin when he saw his friends in the hallway or when he heard something funny. The guy who yawned so big and loud that he sounded like a dad or a grandpa. He would stretch and show you a peek at his adorable little stomach, but never more than a thin sliver between the fabric of his sweatpants and the hoodie he always wore no matter how hot it was outside. I loved how they just leaned on every surface they could find. He could never be found standing upright on his own. He was always, and I mean always, leaning against someone or something. The guys clothes always looked soft as hell because what they slept in was what they wore to school. This guy would always have bags under his eyes. He could sleep for a thousand years and he still wouldn’t be rested up enough. Plus, he never really bothered to do anything with his hair so nine times out of ten, it was messy as all hell.  
Though I never had a boyfriend nor dated anyone all that seriously, besides my prom date, I never gave thought to what kind of man I specifically liked besides the general concept of men. I loved trans men and black men. I liked latino and hispanic men. I liked chubby men and tall men. Small men had a special place in my heart. Pre-T or pre-op men didn’t bother me. A-spec guys weren’t a problem to me. Bisexual, pansexual or multigender attracted men weren’t a problem. Nonbinary masculine aligned people didn’t bother me at all. Any type of men, just so long as I loved a man and he loved me back, was just fine by me. Men are men to me. No matter what his outward appearance or assignment at birth or sexuality was, if he says he’s a guy and that he loves me. I had no problem with loving him back if my heart so desired.   
While I had just thought of these notions to be aesthetic or platonic attraction to the men I saw around school and in my community, I began to figure out that I had a romantic and often times sexual attraction to these men. While I originally thought of myself to be demisexual, after some more soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I was gay. It was a scary thought to me. What if I was killed for loving someone the same gender as me? I didn’t want to be killed all for some innocent crush.   
“I’m being looked at like I’m a human specimen, but not in the bad way I hope.” Ivan gave me a tired lopsided smile as he crawled back into bed with me.   
“No, definitely not in the bad way. It just made me think about how fucking gay I was.” I giggled as Ivan cuddled sleepily into me.  
“Good,” He whispered as his eyes fluttered close. I wrapped a blanket around us and allowed myself to fall asleep as well.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a filler chapter but I will edit this later.

The next morning I woke up to the smell of eggs and bacon wafting up through the open door in front of me. I turned over and half expected to see Ivan sleeping next to me. But, there was nothing but empty bed and coldness. The blanket was all the way off me and I sighed to myself slightly. The blanket wasn’t even there in the bed with me. The sun was bright as I looked over at the sun spot in the middle of the room. A small, black kitten was curled into a ball, sleeping. They must have only been a few hours old. I pulled myself out of bed and moved down to the kitchen slowly. I left the kitten to sleep in the sun spot, promising myself to get the cat some milk.   
I walked into the kitchen and watched the two brothers cook. Charles as working on pancakes and bacon. Ivan was working on an omelet. That was probably for all of us. Six eggs out of the twelve egg carton were gone. Green and red bell pepper scraps were laid out on a cutting board along with a few onion scraps. A few pieces of spinach clung to the wet cutting board. I watched for a bit, leaning on the counter behind them. I kept my quiet, letting the brothers communicate through their movements rather than words. I smiled lightly and wished that I had a sibling to share my life with. Some other blood family that I had other than my mom and my dad...if he was still alive.   
“Hey, do either of you know what’s up with the kitten in my room?” I asked the two men in the kitchen, breaking the silence.   
“There’s a kitten in your room?” Charles turned from the stove and looked at me, one hand on his hip.   
“Yeah, a fucking black kitten all curled up in my room. Just chilling right there in the middle of the room. I want to know if either of you know about the kitten up there.” Charles shrugged and turned back to the food as Ivan turned to me.  
“That explains the rustling I heard last night. A momma cat must have crawled up there sometime last night and gave birth. We have to find the momma, if she’s still here. You should bring the kitten down here and give them some milk.”  
I nodded and headed upstairs to grab the kitten. The kitten was still there in the sun. Its eyes were open, green eyes looking at me. A bigger cat, whom I could assume was its mom, was liking the smaller cat’s head. I smiled and tried to pick up the kitten. Though the mom hissed at me, puffing up. I held up my hands and moved closer to the kitten. I picked the kitten up and the mom. I brought them down to the kitchen. The food was done and steaming on the kitchen table.   
“Oh, you found both the mom and the kitten. That’s so adorable. They’re so little, so skinny. They must be pretty hungry. I’ll get the momma some tuna and the kitten some milk.” Ivan headed to the fridge and pulled out the milk. Charles went to the pantry and got the tuna.   
The brothers worked in sync, grabbing bowls and utensils as they slid past each other. If I didn’t know they were brothers and not twins, I would have assumed that they were twins. Hey smiled as they set the bowls down on the floor. Then I set down the momma and the kitten. They rushed over to the food and gobbled it down. The momma and her kitten both purred lighty. The momma meowed as she came up for air. Charles and Ivan sat down at the table as I moved to sit down as well. We all served ourselves, talking lightly. Soon, the conversation turned deep or lightweight deep.   
“Want to play the Walk Among game?” Ivan asked out of nowhere. Charles rolled his eyes and looked at me, shaking his head.   
“What is the Walk Among game?” I asked back causing Charles to groan loudly, placing his head on the table next to his plate.   
“We insert a monster or some shit like that and add ‘walk among’ then add a few sentences after that. It’s pretty fun, we can go in a circle starting with me. It’ll help us get to know you as a roommate. Want to play Charles?” Ivan nudged his brother lightly.  
“Sure, I’ll fucking play.” Charles put his head back on the table after lifting it to speak to his brother.   
“I’ll start, angels walk among us. With crooked halos and shattered wings, they walk among us and try to remember what it felt like to be holy. Stretching out their arms and reminding themselves of what it felt like to soar.” Ivan smiled lightly as he spoke to us.   
“Gods walk among us. Trapped inside too small bodies with nothing but the memories of when they were everything, and dream of the worlds and empires they helped forge. Their hands had once built galaxies, but now seemed so small. Aliens walk among us. From far away worlds and twinkling stars, they carry on and wonder how they had gotten so far from home. One day they know they’ll traverse this galaxy once again, but until then they must make do with Earth.” I raised an eyebrow as I looked over at Charles. He paused for a moment, formulating his words.   
“Fae walk among us. Who try to remember their people, their customs, their dances, in a world that is convinced that they are children’s tales, and no more. Desperately trying to become themselves again, wondering if it was all simply a prank gone wrong, or something worse. Forests walk among us. Those who remember their trees, their plants, the animals they kept safe under their canopy. Now they can only hope their small friends stay safe, until they can take care of them all again. Animals walk among us. Wondering why they were stuck on two legs with none of their fur or feathers, scales or shells. Questioning why their voices suddenly are so wrong, so different from the cries they used to make. Surrounding themselves with whatever they can that reminds them of their home.” Charles wiggled his fingers a bit before turning back to his food.  
“Ghosts walk among us. Clothed in flowing white and shadowy blues, wandering through areas that used to be solely theirs. They can no longer phase or float, but they make do. They have to. Dragons walk among us. On feet without the claws they remember, and with heads held high despite the missing horns and fangs. They clamber forwards, rebuilding their hoard with every step of the way.” Ivan continued as he looked over at me.   
“Dolls walk among us. Those with faded felt and chipped ceramics alike wondering why they were suddenly flesh. Looking over themselves and realizing their bodies were suddenly softer then they ever were, more sturdy than they ever were. Galaxies walk among us. Made of star stuff and moonshine, infinitely growing forces trapped in too small bodies. Remembering what it felt like to span light years and wondering who had managed to trap supernovas into flesh and blood.”  
“Monsters walk among us. In every shape and size; they walk; slither; crawl; and remember the days they were feared, and wonder if they really want that back. If they would want it back after finally being treated as a living creature with as much right to exist as anyone else. Betrayers walk among us. With guilt-ridden hearts and regretful eyes. Who reassure themselves that it was the right thing to do, not quite sure if they believe themselves. Saviors walk among us. With a shine in their eyes and smiles on their lips, reassuring all they come across that one day the sun will shine and all with be right once again.” I turned towards Charles as the momma cat jumped into his lap.   
“Rebels walk among us. Causes long ago forgotten, but with fires still raging in their hearts. Challenging anything and everything. Unrest and revolutions follow them wherever they tread. Chaos and freedom, mixed together. Survivors walk among us. Soldiers with nothing left to fear, who have instincts as their guide and luck on their side. Walking forward unafraid, because they’ve done this all before. Immortals walk among us. Souls laden with sorrow, heartbreak slipping through their eyes. They know by now not to get close, but do so anyways because it's the only thing that makes them feel anymore.” Ivan took his cue to go to his turn.   
“Soldiers walk among us. Hands itching for weapons they no longer have, tense with instincts they no longer need. Wondering why their body is so unmarred and unbroken. They had always done their best, but now they no longer knew if that was good enough. If it ever was good enough. Children walk among us. Lost and afraid, they march forward, with the weights of a thousand impossibilities on their shoulders. These children are forgotten, and they would prefer to stay that way. Cursed-folk walk among us. With cautious eyes and doubtful tones, who know that the world is against them now more than ever. Everything comes with a price, and they wonder if their price was truly worth it.”  
My turn again, “Mages walk among us. Hands of their magical tools of choice, ready to pull them out if necessary to defend or attack. Scared because this was the land their ancestors were killed in. Courageous because they continue forwards anyways. Travelers walk among us. Those who took a wrong turn and found themselves in a world that isn’t theirs, hoping to one day find the way back. Strength rings through them, for they know they cannot-will not-stop until they reach their home. Chosen Ones walk among us. Remembering what it felt like to be The One, The Savior, The Last Hope of their worlds-and wondering why that responsibility was ever thrust on them in the first place. Wondering why they had been abandoned back in their old world after fighting so hard for the one they had made their home.”  
“Spirits walk among us. Spirits who see others like them in the corner of their eyes. Spirits who meet up in quiet secret places and remember, together, what it felt like to be themselves. Reassuring each other that one day they will all go Home. Unicorns walk among us. Even with their horns no longer there, there is no doubt magic runs through them. They are blessed creatures, and they know it. Stars and sunlight glisten in their eyes, and every step plants flowers.” Charles pet the cat and smiled.   
“Demons walk among us. Still feeling the darkness in their blood, and the calls of others like them. Hell fire and brimstone smells dance on the breeze, luring them away. Luring them back home. Direwolves walk among us. Even without their pack, they are fierce. Every step a calculation, every move planned.The hunt is on, and it looks like you are the prey. Get ready to run. Dinosaurs walk among us. Long gone though they are, the continue forward. With pasts surrounded by mystery and unknowing. They are a varied folk, from carnivores to herbivores and everything in between. Large and small alike they fight on.”   
My turn once again, “Winged Ones walk among us. Backs aching from wings they don’t have- limbs they haven’t had in a long time. The sky calls to them, begging them to come home, but they cannot reply. Stuck on the ground, staring hopefully up at the sky-one day they might go home, but not yet, not today. Glitches walk among us. Scratches on the disk of reality, blips in the world. Tilt your head, look at them from a wrong angle- they might just be lens flares, might just be tricks of the imagination. The world warps around a being that is not there, that shouldn’t be there. Hellhounds walk among us. Hellfire sprouts from their paths, infernos blaze just under their skin. Embers burn their paws, soot stains their fur. Wildness stirs in their hearts, urges them forward. Feral creatures, born from fire and darkness.”   
“Vampires walk among us. Fangs stained red with blood that is not theirs. Pale as untouched snow, with hearts as dark as the night they rule. Voids twist around them, cloaking them in their shadows. Look out for too sharp grins at midnight, watch your steps. Elements walk among us. Raging winds, blazing flames, crushing earth, and surging waters rush together. Combining to make impossible possibilities, incredible worlds, exploding worlds. Elements that made up entire worlds now spinned into bones.”   
Ivan once more, “The Undead walk among us. Shuffling and stuttering, wondering if this makes them undead undead. Flesh now whole and bones unbroken, feeling their heartbeat course through their veins once again, feeling the air filling their lungs once again. Werefolk walk among us. Bodies no longer shifting as they once did, permanently stuck on their two legs, for better or for worse. From all walks of life, they shifted into anything and everything. They do what they can to remind themselves of what if had felt like to themselves again.”   
“Starseeds walk among us. Those that have lived only a few lives and those that have lived hundreds walking together. Taking the same steps they’ve taken who knows how many times before. Memories trickle back to them, small ones and big ones alike replaying in their minds. Doing their best to remember their mission and goals. Mermaids walk among us. Although, maybe walk would be the wrong word. Figuring out how to walk on separate limbs that used to be one. Feeling most at home when submerged in water, sometimes forgetting their new bodies need oxygen. Strong arms and new legs propelling them through water, making them relearn a skill that they’d known since birth.”   
Charles again, “Death Omens walk among us. Afraid if their mere presence curses everyone around them. Keeping to themselves, just in case. Wondering how much of their past life carries on to their new life. Afraid that their mere touch could end lives, wondering if its their fault every time catastrophe hits. Psychopomps walk among us. Remembering their jobs, remembering their duty. Even when they hated it, they remember what that must do. Both an impartial guide and a guardian protector. It was not their job to judge, simply to provide a safe passage from here to whatever lies beyond. Smiling in the face of death, knowing that they are not here for them.”   
“Shadows walk among us. Twisting and shifting, not solid forms but far from intangible. They are everywhere and nowhere all at once, watching on to every act, recording passively that actions of others, while also defending those in need, actively stepping out to protect. They are the night and the stars, and yet also the shifting woods and deadly blades that flash in the shade. They are, and they aren’t. Prisoners walk among us. Remembering shackles and chains holding them back, holding them down. Forced in cages and cells, forced to repent. But now- now they are free. They are free to walk and speak and run. Every part of their soul sings. Shackles now rusted off, chains now broken- they have no intentions of ever putting them back on.” Ivan smiled lightly as he looked at me, last turn.   
“Robots walk among us. Rusty joints and electricity running through them. Mechanical men, made to work with no need for sustenance. Inorganic beings with artificial intelligence, making themselves better, making themselves evolve. Their jobs are not yet done. Mountains walk among us. Their strength and fortitude transformed into movable flesh and feeble bones. Eons of near unending life taken away and replaced with a life of hardly a century. Where once they were feared and respected, they are now hardly ever seen. Winter Sprites walk among us. Ice on their fingers, frost in their hair. Snow falls over their trail, painting the frozen landscape a chilling white. A shiver trails up your spine when they pass, followed by a freezing breeze- winter spirits in their element can freeze the world over, if one could be bothered to do so. Seers walk among us. They watch, wide eyed and humbled, at the creatures who walk around them. Wings and horns and twisted bits, wandering through crowded streets. Their oddities, invisible to most, show bright and clear to the perceptive eyes of those who watch.”   
“Hey, wanna head to the library? See if there are any records of your dad in newspapers or something?” I took a look outside and shivered lightly.   
“Maybe we should wait until tomorrow? It looks so chilly outside.” I giggled and I hugged myself lightly.   
“Yeah, we’ll wait. Want to watch horror movies and drink hot chocolate all wrapped in cozy blankets instead?”   
“Sure, want to join us Charles?” I asked, trying to include the brother on some fun. Though he had left the table without either of us knowing.   
“Sorry, he’s got dancer feet. I never know when he leaves the room either. He must’ve went to go pack for the dance class he has,” Ivan said as he caught my confused glance at Charles’ seat.   
“So, the movies then. What will we start with? Classics like Halloween or Nightmare on Elm Street? Or a newer one like Get Out or It Follows?” I wiggled my eyebrows lightly and Ivan giggled lightly.  
“Let’s start with the older ones and move to the new ones. Then kind of see which ones make us shit our pants the most.”   
“Okay then, to the couch we go!” I got up, grabbing the plates and setting them into the kitchen sink. Ivan jumped up and headed to the couch.   
I heated up the hot chocolate after I found it in the pantry. One with milk and one without. Milk and I didn’t exactly agree. Nor did chocolate, but that was besides the point. Hot chocolate was damn delicious. That was the one thing I made an exception for. Once I was done I placed the mugs on a tray to bring into the living room. I walked into the living room after getting turned around in the slightly twisted hallways. I finally found it and smiled at Ivan. Ivan smiled lightly and pointed to his work of art, a pillow fort. I smiled lightly and set the hot chocolate on the coffee table. I giggled lightly and looked at it lightly. It was freaking gorgeous and like the stuff we would make as a kid.   
“We’re watching the Halloween series first and that includes that fucking Rob Zombie remake,” Ivan pretended to gag and smiled lightly.  
“It pleases me that you know who the fuck Rob Zombie is. Don’t peg you as that kind of guy.” I smiled lightly and turned to the record rack.   
Rob Zombie, the Cure, the Misfits, Guns N Roses and Motley Crue lined the racks. Either in alphabetical order or release order (earliest to newest, bottom to top). I flipped one over off the rack and inspected it. Appetite For Destruction, top shelf and far away from the other Guns albums. There was the least amount of dust on it as well. I smiled and looked at it. Five men, all with huge hair stared back at me. One with red hair and a killer smile. Two had blonde hair, though one had curly hair and a wide smile. There was a guy with short-ish brown hair and one with big brown curls.   
“Hey, I see it now. You look like fucking Slash dude!” Ivan giggled and smiled at me lightly, holding his belly in a failed attempt to keep his giggles.   
“Hehe, never noticed the resemblance. Though, I was never into Guns as much as I was Motley.” I smiled lightly as I turned back to the man.   
“Well, I’m guessing you were a Tommy or Nikki fan weren’t you?” Ivan asked as he looked at me.   
“Yeah, I was but I still don’t think I look like Slash, the greatest guitar player to ever live.” I smiled lightly and giggled, looking out at the back of the record, flipping it over. I pulled the record over and smiled as the first notes of Welcome to the Jungle played as low as it could on the record player.   
“Yeah, of course you look like Slash. That’s a compliment I don’t take lightly. The hair, the smile, the build. Everything to be honest. Kind of have the same style too. Though, I don’t have my glasses so I could be a little blind.”  
“Yeah, I think you might be a little blind.” I smiled and pulled my hair into a bun with the hair tie around my wrist.   
“Maybe, but I do think you look like Slash. Maybe just like his son or something. The skin tone is eerily similar too.”   
“I am painfully aware that I am no one's favorite person. I am painfully aware of the hole where my heart should be. I am painfully aware that I will be no one's favorite person. I am painfully aware that I can not be loved. I am painfully aware that I will never be loved.  
I am painfully aware that I am meant to be alone. So many pieces of me are broken. Broken to the point of pain. A broken mind. A broken heart. A broken touch. A broken thought. But I love you so painfully. It hurts to even speak. Your voice is my voice. Your smile is my smile. Your happiness is my happiness. To be by your side would be an honor. To be your prince or princess. Your king or your queen. Your husband or your wife. Your boyfriend or your girlfriend. For giving into your love would be nothing, as long as I am with you. I don’t care what you call me for so long as you are mine. Though, your heart is not mine to take. You love another. A woman fare prettier than I could ever pull off. Black and red hair, dark eyes and a cinched waist. For shame though, I can make you laugh. I can make you smile. I can make your heart swell. I can love you until the ends of time. I am painfully aware that I am no one's favorite person. I am painfully aware of the hole where my heart should be. I am painfully aware that I will be no one's favorite person. I am painfully aware that I can not be loved. I am painfully aware that I will never be loved. I am painfully aware that I am meant to be alone. To never be loved and receive the same love in return. To have my heart crushed because I love too much. My heart swells for any man caught in my trap.” I whispered, clutching a hand on my heart.   
“Lost love is never easy. Especially to a woman.” Ivan put an arm around me and pulled me close to him. I nodded and curled into him, tearing up a bit.   
“He said he loved me so much. He told me that I was the only one he ever loved. That he wanted to marry me one day after high school.”   
“I hope you know that there is someone out there waiting to find you. Waiting out there to love you so much. To love you a lot and waiting to make you smile wider than you ever have because if you look this much like Slash, I bet your smile is just as gorgeous and it is just as gorgeous.” Ivan smiled lightly and giggled.   
“I hope I can find that person really soon. I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. Though, I don't have any talent or ambitions. I'm a deadbeat. I'm a no good, worthless excuse for a son. My mom wouldn’t even pay attention to me. I'm second place to that fucking boyfriend of hers. My dad left the house and never tried to raise me at all. I don't have a fucking boyfriend, I never went to homecoming. I probably wouldn’t have gone to my prom if it weren’t for that stupid boyfriend of mine. I'll go to the reunion and see all my successful friends, if I have any, and I won't have anything to my name. I was never the captain of anything. Not a single damn club in that fucking school I go to. I don't even know how my friends are my friends. I probably won't get into college. I ain't got shit and I know it. I'm a nothing to anyone and everyone.”   
“That's because you doubt yourself too much. All from your parents and shit. Putting you down or kicking you out. You do have ambition; you gotta find it. We both know your mom is a bitch. Like you need to find the things that make you happy, it doesn't matter if it's someone you love or a cute fucking dog. Or even a word. Find them and fuck whatever others think. You need to start fighting for yourself. Not for others to make others happy. Make yourself happy. Fuck everyone else. Do it for you. Everything is gonna happen for a reason and we might not know why but in the end, we'll know and we'll be happy.”  
“My mom was a pretty good mom all things considered. I was a little bit of an asshole to her.” I whispered lightly.  
“Good mom? A good mom wouldn't half the time let their child starve or go without. Good parents wouldn't put a man or woman before their child. A good parent wouldn't be abusive; mentally, verbally or physically. A good parent would be fucking proud of their child or children no matter what. That's a good parent and your parents are not good parents. Especially your mom. I don’t care what she did in that house to make you doubt yourself so much but I know whatever it was was probably abusive as fuck. So no; it's not you, it's that mom of yours.”  
“I mean, I had this idea for a novel, you know? What happens when the devil loses his angel? Crow is a man who has recently lost his best friend before they were both scheduled to go on a cross country road trip. He decides to take the ashes of his friend, with his parent's permission, to LA where he'll dump half into the ocean. Along the way, Crow picks up another man just like himself. Devin is a man who was forced into prostitution by his abusive stepfather. Devin dreams of becoming an actor in Los Angeles. He spends the night on the highway when he is found by Crow. They become fast friends and Crow takes him away from his bitter life. Both need to overcome issues and rules set by society when they realize that not all love is equal in the great United States and bigotry runs rampant. They must break societal rules and become the best people they can be. Love, life and happiness is found once these souls find each other as they figure out what true love is. Stupid, am I right?”   
“No, sounds pretty awesome. Maybe I can read some of it some time?” Ivan smiled and giggled lightly.   
“I guess so, one day.” I smiled and Ivan cuddled me close lightly as I shivered slightly, pulling myself closer.


End file.
